Client Stories
Elena's Story
On July 19, a few years ago, my fourteen-year-old son was injured in what was not necessarily the worst, but fortunately the last beating either of us would sustain at the hands of my husband. Within days of my leaving, my husband took my car, cleaned out the bank accounts, sold the furniture, ran the credit cards up to their limits and ceased all payments on any outstanding bills we had accumulated together. While frantically destroying me financially, he was calling me at my parents house, alternating between promises and pleas and threats against my life if I didn't come home. Even my parents became afraid.
I left with barely more than the shirt on my back, driving away from my middle-class life into instant total poverty. I had to disappear from my home, abandoning every belonging I had ever acquired, leaving my job, my son's school, our friends, and the lifestyle we had known.
As I went through the gate into the shelter, I was overcome by a sense of safety I hadn't realized had been missing from my life for a long, long time. That was the moment when, without asking me for anything in return, they gave me and my son what turned out to be the beginnings of a new life. They led us to a small apartment and gave me the key. They brought bags of groceries to us. I was still numb and confused. I was speechless. I couldn't believe my life had come to this.
Someone gave me a small, draw-string bag, hand-made from a floral print fabric. The bag contained tissues, perfume and lipstick, and a little note. I stood in that kitchen surrounded by grocery bags, clinging to that floral bag and to the little note. I burst into tears. The note, from the Women's Club of a local church, simply said "We Care".
Each of us had suffered through years of secrets and silence; but in sharing our stories in those group sessions, each of us discovered a quick bond forming with each other. Every disclosure triggered more forgotten memories locked inside the amnesia of our denial. The pain of these disclosures was softened by the compassion we felt for each other, and the understanding and encouragement shown us by the staff, who were available to us 24 hours a day.
When I spoke to the woman on the crisis line she identified me as a battered woman for the first time. I was shocked. I was sure she had misunderstood me, or that I had exaggerated my situation. My husband did have a hot temper but "battering" was not a word I had ever applied to my life. I connected that term with the characters in "The Burning Bed" - stereotypically undereducated and poor; certainly not a nice upwardly-mobile Jewish family from suburban Southern California.
Another myth that defied my belief system was my prejudiced assumption of what kind of woman would be found in a battered women's shelter. What I had not expected was to see, in this environment, a very wealthy woman who had driven to the shelter in her brand new Cadillac and two women my age, who were educated professionals from nice, normal middle class Jewish families. My roommate Jan, it turned out, had gone to high school with me. So much for stereotypes.
In that first day in the shelter I still didn't think that I really belonged there. I felt badly about taking up space that could better serve someone more pitiful and victimized than I believed I was. Meeting the other residents, I was stunned when I realized how close to my experience the other women's stories were. The thirty days we spent in the shelter at Haven Hills changed our lives forever. The group and individual therapy I participated in helped me to understand the dynamics of my battering relationship. Through counseling, my son was able to come to terms with the emotional and physical abuse he had sustained.
Not only did they provide therapy and counseling, the shelter also helped give us tools for preparing for life on our own. We were taught practical skills such as budgeting, job hunting and parenting skills. We were given legal assistance to help us through the legalities of restraining orders, child support and custody disputes and divorce proceedings; and much of our time was spent making trips to the unemployment, welfare, and social security offices, to job interviews and apartment hunting.
The resilience and resourcefulness of the women kept shelter life interesting and at times even amusing. In our free time we would often band together to escape the sweltering summer by piling into someone's car to go en masse to the local shopping mall where, in our thrift shop finest, we would invade the department store's cosmetics counters for free makeovers. Shy Hortencia, whose husband had forbidden her to wear makeup, stunned us all by emerging as a beautiful version of young Sophia Loren.
I decided I was no longer going to spend my life cowering in fear. I rented an apartment under another name, found another job and filed for divorce. I devised methods to minimize the possibility of being found. The shelter staff who faced danger and healed tragic lives day after day remain the heroines upon which I modeled my courage.
The last few years have not been easy for me. Even now, nearly three years later, my husband is single-mindedly determined to get me back. I was warned some months ago that he is tired of waiting for me to come to my senses, and that he plans to find me. The stress of my ordeal left me physically and emotionally drained. During all of the difficulty I have endured, I have been nurtured and sustained by my continued access to the outreach services of Haven Hills.
In the absence of violence, my son has blossomed. He graduated from high school and is a college freshman. My therapist pushed me to survive through the turmoil and desperation of my chaotic life and created a secure environment in which to heal and to finally lay the past to rest. Therapy encouraged me to believe in my strength, helped me to acknowledge my talents, and gave me hope for a more fulfilling future.
Each "goodbye group" was fraught with deep sadness, as we hugged another woman who had been part of our new family and watched her drive off into the unknown. I can never forget them. Each one will always be an important influence on who I am becoming now. I vowed that when I left the shelter I would start my life over. I planned never to return to my husband. Blessed by my own determination, the ongoing strength and encouragement of the outreach program and the individual sessions I continue to receive, I have managed to beat the odds and remain free of my oppressor.
Maria's Story
I have lived many pains, many hurts, many cries, many laughters, much hunger, much need, so cold, so much pain, physical pain, mental pain, all types of abuse, physical abuse, any abuse. I was there and back again, I fell not once but several times. Being a victim of domestic violence, led to live a life of lies, led me to alcohol, led me to drugs and led me to the streets. I cried, I bled, I was hurt, and I was in so much agonizing pain. No one other than those that have live a life much similar to mine, will never understand the whys and how come. So my answer as of date is you will never understand why and how come, because I don't either. You get sucked into life of abuse and before you know it, you are in too deep and think, how did this happen, what did I do, how stupid could I have been. You start to believe what your abuser says about you. Dumb, stupid, slut, worthless, nobody, etc. the list never ends. So now depression hits. Fear grows.
Well my name is Maria and I have lived more than half of my life being abused. Many years using drugs; hurting the ones I loved; my family, my children; but no more. I have broken the cycle of violence that has haunted my life for so many years. I am free. No longer am I a scared child afraid of the unknown. I look forward to learning and living my new life. All I ever knew was abuse, so I lived abuse. Now I have had a taste of hard work and self worth. I am stronger and with so much pride. I am somebody; I am Maria a woman a mother of four a sister and a daughter. I am no longer afraid of my abuser. I have cemented in me a life without fear. I figure I dealt with him for so many years I can do anything.I am super woman. It took time for me to believe in myself. It doesn't happen over night. At times it felt like forever. But here I am a year without pain. I have so much more than I ever had in my life. I have me back. And I am continuing to grow each day that passes. I have people that love me and I love them back. I appreciate everything in my life, right down to the penny in my pocket. I am happy. I will continue my journey as well as my growth. Where ever it leads me, I am ready to take it on. The skies the limit and the stars are within my reach.
My name is Maria and I am a survivor of Domestic Violence.
October 10, 2007
Essays and quotes from children in our shelter
"When I first came to Haven Hills I was a little sad because I was already missing my friends. I realized by crying I didn't get anything. So I just felt like going outside to make new friends. After three days passed I got to use the payphone and I was happy to talk to my friends. I was nervous because I didn't know people at first but as I got to know people I started to forget about my friends. Now Haven Hills started to be okay for me. My feelings changed about being in Haven Hills because I feel safer not being in my old house where my mom's boyfriend did drugs. I feel comfortable being at Haven Hills." Ten year -old boy
"Haven Hills gives us freedom and doesn't make us feel alone, trapped or helpless. It's a place where we can forget the past and move on with the new life Haven Hills gives you. " Twelve year old boy
"I feel relaxed now that my parents are not fighting." Eight year old girl
"I think a shelter is a place that something happens at home. We come here to have protection from dads that are in jail and that want to kill us." Eight year old boy
Some things the children have told the counselor:
I like having someone to talk to.
I don't feel like I am going to explode anymore.
I feel happier.
I have more friends.
None of what happened was my fault. I used to think it was.
I feel important.
I know what to do when I'm sad. I learned how to make myself feel better.
I feel safe.
Joan's story
The programs that was offered at Haven Two helped me shape up my parenting skills. I was dealing with a lot of emotion when disciplining my son. At Haven Two with the help of children's therapist, my counselor and case manager and coordinator, I was able to identify my parenting problems. They taught me how to discipline my son effectively and with love. My case management coordinator gave me the lesson on the three "p"s which are patience, persistence and praise when dealing with my son's outburst. Being a parent and mother was made easy and a joy by these wonderful group of women who taught me how. Now, my son is able to communicate with me, I am able to listen and communicate back to my son. They made parenting a lot easier with the books, advise, therapies and tips I am receiving.
My legal needs was also accomplished when I got to Haven Two. My D.C.F.S. case was closed in January. This would not have been possible had it not been for my hardwork and effective advocacy I got from the Haven Two team.
The individual counseling sessions I receive weekly is a channel for me to tap into my inner self, discovering who I really am, my weaknesses and strengths. These sessions make me see the strength in my weakness, the hope in any tomorrow. I personally consider these one hour sessions with my therapist as a personal archeological experience of me.
My sessions with my case management coordinator is what I call my strategic planning sessions. At these sessions, ways of how to reach my personal and financial goals are discussed. At these sessions, I am taught how to communicate effectively with my supervisors at work, how to keep my job, how to juggle parenting, family and work. Recently, we are also looking into my advancement in my career through more education.
At the group meetings, the residents of Haven Two meet twice a week. On Mondays we all meet with the program coordinator to discuss our living conditions, how to keep our community safer for ourselves and our children. Any communal problem is also taken care of at these meetings. Sometimes, we have guest speaker that are brought into teach us job skills, life skills, finance management and budgeting.
On Tuesday's we meet the women's therapist. This is a therapist session that we residents enjoy as a group. At this session, we explore our life experiences through therapeutic art sessions, group discussions and cultural differences.
In conclusion, as a domestic violence survivor coming into Haven Two had helped me overcome being a victim but a whole woman. Haven Two has given my son and I a place of our own, to explore, to grow and to expand psychologically, intellectually and otherwise. We see Haven Two as a launching pad for us to go back into the community not as victims but as survivors and to be the best we can be. Thank you Haven Two for giving us this chance to live again.